Relationship Counselling, Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction Therapy for Singles, Couples & Groups

Divorce & Separation

Divorce & Separation

Which is it to be? Unsure? What a mess? What a Crisis?

50 minute sessions, 3 hour crisis intensives or weekend “All about you” sessions and packages are available.

Does any of the stuff on the pages of “Relationship Counseling” or “Conflict Resolution”, resonate with you? Is it a sexual issue? Why not talk to someone to help make sense of it all.

Not yet decided whether divorce or separation, but the conflict is stopping any progress one way or the other. Maybe a form of Mediaton to get us talking and perhaps over who gets what, would be a start.
What would you like to achieve? Fix a relationship, fix a marriage, relationship repair, repair marriage, marriage crisis, relationship crisis, surviving marriage, surviving separation or surviving divorce. Help is available and it also available by telephone or Skype to anywhere in the world, as well as reading material. ALL just a click away.

Learn to love again.

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“Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity”. Business insider, Nov 2014

“The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction…

Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were…

Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?…Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work…

“…Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird…

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that…

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading….

“These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs…

“By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?…

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes…

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation…

“Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there…

People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also killed their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships…

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.

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“Bring colour back to a grey life”. It is time.

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Try out this App to help re-kindle intimacy into your relationship: Called “Pillow Talk”.