“Shame” – the driver which maintains sex addiction
Vital to understand the interplay between Shame and Guilt in maintaining sex addiction. Addiction and shame are inseparable. Shame and guilt are emotions causing negative self-evaluation. There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says: ” This behaviour is bad”. Shame says: “I’m a bad person”.
Work on one addiction and self help techniques with inadequate rehab, counseling, sex therapy and sex facts may see other addictions re-surfacing, like gambling addiction, alcoholism & alcohol addiction, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, drug addiction, substance abuse, heroin addiction, cocaine addiction and food addiction. The need to attend SAA, a 12 steps programme, good sex facts, what is good sex, what is kinky sex, defining whether you are suffer from love & sex addiction, masturbation addiction, supersex, sex addiction recovery are just some of the features and work which you will undertake with a competent sex addiction therapist.
Not about sex, all about an addiction!
Sex Addiction is very little to do with sex, but all to do with Addictions. People become addicted as they find a way to soothe the pain of life’s problems, conflicts, stresses, anxieties, concerns, relationship pain, losses, concerns and heartaches. Pain hurts!
The brain will do all that it must do to quench pain and re-establish harmony. There are different parts of the brain with different functions. The brain hates pain. It loves pleasure. Neurochemicals are released and affect the brain in certain situations and extreme environments.
The logical thinking side of the brain frquently gets overridden by the feeling side of the brain and causes us to go against logic, in favour of feelings; feelings drive us to mask pain with “false” intimacies. Problem! There is always a kick back. The kick back eventually hurts us more than the feeling which we sought to quench. The temporary fix is short lived and we pay a price much higher than we had ever thought, expected or bargained for. Help is available. We can work by Skype. Send me an email.
Cycle of Addiction
→ Shame, Guilt, distress, Despair, stress, anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem →
↑ ↓ ↓ ↓
After acting out, the tension release Need to get rid of those feelings of shame, Guilt, stress etc,
is short lived and a low is experience after the high therefore preoccupation with thoughts of acting out.
The Shame, Guilt, distress, Despair, Stress, etc Those thoughts become a part of the ritual and a getting
from which relief was sought, returns with a vengeance. ready to act out adds to the increasing sexual arousal.
The desire to self soothe builds up over time and the cycle ↓
← The acting out/compulsive behaviour kicks in. ie viewing porn, ←
masturbating, prostitution, cruising, using escorts or cybersex etc
Now available from AMAZON.COM – ISBN 9781463556952
Bringing colour back to life
Workshop for Woman partners of sex addicts Saturday 28 March 2015, 10.30am to 12noon
3rd Floor, Trelawny House, Surrey Street, Bristol Bs2 8PS Gary McFarlane 0786 609 7247 £30
Highly confidential – for women partners ONLY of sex addicts Pre-registration is essential for admission.
Partner or wife of a Judge, a solicitor, a Barrister, an Accountant, a teacher, an IT Consultant, a utilities operator, a facilities manager, a HR Personnel, a company Director, an Actor. Whichever of these male personnel to whom you are in relationship with, sex addiction can have its tentacles into your relationship with them and leave you carrying a very heavy burden, with few people there for you to talk to about this world which has taken a toll on your relationship and continues to undermine it.
Will it ever get better? Can he really stop the behaviours? Will I ever be able to trust him again? How do I know the children are safe? How do I compete with that stuff? Was it my fault or did I contribute? Was I not enough or good enough? How could I have been so stupid? How is it that I did not heed the signs that I now look back on and can see them?
What do I do now? Do I really believe there is such a thing as sex addiction? Isn’t it just greed for more sex? What a nightmare? Where can I turn for help? What if people find out? How can I bear to carry this on my own? What about the children?
I am scared to join some form of women’s group. Their problems are not like mine. What if it gets out. My husband won’t agree to me attending a group. He is getting his help, but I have to hold on in there and not tell anyone in case.
It’s just not right. It’s just not fair. This is my life. He has ruined it. What am I going to do?
Gary McFarlane, is a Mediator, Relationship Counsellor, sex therapist, sex Addiction therapist & love Addiction therapist.
A past career as a Solicitor of some 25 years equips him well with the dynamics of understanding and balancing confidentiality at a high level, with discretion, tact and discipline.
Women partners of sex addicts are frequently overlooked when it comes to treatment regimes – which typically focus on the man. Here is an introductory, highly confidential workshop for women ONLY to consider just some of the issues raised about – if you are able to put some trust in this facility which is there for you to get the help you need.
Call me for a chat.
Why group? You will face the strongest of resistance about getting involved. Many women will, however, testify to the fact that joining a group was the best outcome for their recovery. Why? The relief that other progressive, “got it all together women” are similarly affected! There is immediate shame reduction when you see normal, every day women facing the very same issues. Remember “Shame” is the base for keeping the men’s addiction firmly in place and shame will similarly keep you from the group.
WHAT MAY BE BRISTOL’S FIRST WOMEN PARTNER’S SUPPORT/THERAPY GROUP IS DUE TO BE LAUNCHED BY GARY IN FEBRUARY 2012. HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL IN ITS COMPOSITION, IT IS WHAT MANY MANY PARTNERS HAVE WANTED FOR A LONG TIME.
CONTACT GARY FOR FURTHER DETAILS.
Partners information pack
Female partners of Sex Addicts – receive your “Partner’s information pack” by sending to me a request by email.