Email me to receive your FREE copy of an article
“WHAT I WISH I’D KNOW BEFORE WATCHING PORN”
“A goodbye to sex and love addiction letter, written by a woman after 9 months therapy with Gary McFarlane and Kairos Services and following a transformational dance (5 Rhythms) to express the story and journey:
Dear Sex and Love Addiction,
It’s time for us to part, forever.
Goodbye, so long, be gone, don’t look round I’m not wavering, cheerio, it is done.
It is finished; I understand you, I see you for what you are, I don’t need or want you.
We can no longer be friends because you are a tedious distraction and a liar.
You might offer some saturation in happy woozy oozy feelings, but right next to that you bring confusion, isolation, longing, pining, which can never be met. You remind me of what I seek- unity with the Divine and then snatch that from me, into the embrace of want and lust. If I have to part from the dizzy wooziness so be it, no regrets. It comes with too big a price.
You have wasted so much of my time, damaged my body and turned me into a killer. With you for company I have behaved like an unfeeling, all consumed, callous bitch. Nothing else mattered. I tricked and conned people, I stole their hearts, I lied, I hurt them and honestly sometimes I didn’t care. When I did care it was unbearable. Crippling guilt- you forgot to mention that would be an outcome!
I feel clear in my moving on. I have known you for many years, but without help couldn’t see you 100% clearly, I didn’t know how to find myself and my power and to move you out of my life. But I found that help and I know for certain now that:
I am in control of my life not you.
I feel free, I feel like I get to choose.
My love for people is bigger not smaller, my capacity is not diminished. I give up the soothing and stroking you offered because they were poor coping methods. They created problems and they held in feelings of anxiety that were ready to leave me. Goodbye anxiety. Goodbye shame and narcissism too, you can all move out together.
I know there was a tender little girl that was seeking for a need to be met and I honour her efforts. This addiction saw me through some harsh times, it provided fun and humour, risk and adventure. All these things are still in my capacity and I hold on to the good stuff; including a feminine and masculine sexuality which loves intimacy, lets energy move, connects, reassures, holds. I welcome my ecstatic connection with the infinite, however and wherever it may manifest.
Goodbye forever sex and love addiction. I no longer need or want you or feel confused by you. You have no role, you take up room.
Listen to my Ujima radio interviews on Sex & Love addiction.
Love addiction is very real.
Love addiction focuses on love as the solution to inner pain, loneliness and emptiness by creating relationships or romance which are consuming pastimes.
Love addiction can be defined as an attempt to regulate ones mood by getting and having the positive regard of someone else.
Someone has said that “The chief cause of unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment”.
In William Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night”, Duke Orsino is upset that his courtship attempts with Olivia is not going well and asks for an abundance of love so that he will lose his appetite. He says:
“If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.”
Mostly seen in women, the Love addict has very intense emotions including anger, fear, hate and love for the other person. At its root hides issues of childhood insecure bonding and attachment to a significant carer (often a mother). In all respects it is an Addiction which requires treatment in therapy.
Women & porn
“….it’s still the men’s world, but statistics show that...more than one-third of pornography viewers are women. Just last week, I received an email from a girl who leads a small women’s group; they’d just discovered that every single one of them were watching porn….I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life…I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in my relationships with men, making me feel like I had no options or control over my sex life, filling me with much regret and physical pain…I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out…
I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom…I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships, causing huge problems in your intimacy with real significant others…I wish someone would have explained what “sexual anorexia” was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they’ve been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.
I wish someone would have told all the men I’ve dated thatthe porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me, ultimately destroying our relationship…I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation, which in turn cost me relationships with friends…I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a “victim” mentality in my mind, causing me to be even more sensitive than I already was to catcalls, whistles, and even sincere compliments…I wish someone had talked about how women watch it too” by Lauren Dubinsky.
Gary is a member of the Association for the treatment of sexual addiction & compulsivity. Why not contact him now. Have sex addiction or love addiction therapy online.
Love addiction defined:
Workshop for Woman partners of sex addicts Saturday 28 March 2015, 10.30am to 12noon
3rd Floor, Trelawny House, Surrey Street, Bristol Bs2 8PS Gary McFarlane 0786 609 7247 £30 per session
Highly confidential – for women partners ONLY of sex addicts Pre-registration is essential for admission.
Partner or wife of a Judge, a solicitor, a Barrister, an Accountant, a teacher, an IT Consultant, a utilities operator, a facilities manager, a HR Personnel, a company Director, an Actor. Whichever of these male personnel to whom you are in relationship with, sex addiction can have its tentacles into your relationship with them and leave you carrying a very heavy burden, with few people there for you to talk to about this world which has taken a toll on your relationship and continues to undermine it.
Will it ever get better? Can he really stop the behaviours? Will I ever be able to trust him again? How do I know the children are safe? How do I compete with that stuff? Was it my fault or did I contribute? Was I not enough or good enough? How could I have been so stupid? How is it that I did not heed the signs that I now look back on and can see them?
What do I do now? Do I really believe there is such a thing as sex addiction? Isn’t it just greed for more sex? What a nightmare? Where can I turn for help? What if people find out? How can I bear to carry this on my own? What about the children?
I am scared to join some form of women’s group. Their problems are not like mine. What if it gets out. My husband won’t agree to me attending a group. He is getting his help, but I have to hold on in there and not tell anyone in case.
It’s just not right. It’s just not fair. This is my life. He has ruined it. What am I going to do?
Gary McFarlane, is a Mediator, Relationship Counsellor, sex therapist, sex Addiction therapist & love Addiction therapist.
A past career as a Solicitor of some 25 years equips him well with the dynamics of understanding and balancing confidentiality at a high level, with discretion, tact and discipline.
Women partners of sex addicts are frequently overlooked when it comes to treatment regimes – which typically focus on the man. Here is an introductory, highly confidential workshop for women ONLY to consider just some of the issues raised about – if you are able to put some trust in this facility which is there for you to get the help you need.
Call me for a chat.
Why group? You will face the strongest of resistance about getting involved. Many women will, however, testify to the fact that joining a group was the best outcome for their recovery. Why? The relief that other progressive, “got it all together women” are similarly affected! There is immediate shame reduction when you see normal, every day women facing the very same issues. Remember “Shame” is the base for keeping the men’s addiction firmly in place and shame will similarly keep you from the group.
Send me an email to register your interest for the next women partners (only) group to commence in March 2015. Numbers are important for making the group viable and numbers will be limited.
Get your “Partner’s information pack” by requesting it from me via an email.
“Bringing colour back to life”